Tue, Feb 9th, 2010 -- 10:33 pm

Last weekend, when I went to storage, I brought back a pair of photo albums from when I was a kid. My parents gave me my first camera when I was six and I took photos of eeeeeverything, and I saved them all.

Some are beautiful and very valuable to me -- photographs of my father, my Nan and Packa, my mum, even some of Bernard. People will totally let a six-year-old get away with bullshit an adult couldn't; you should see some of the faces my Nan is making at six-year-old me. Those I'm sending to a professional company to be scanned, because it's worth it to have digital copies and I don't want to scan them all myself.

The other two-thirds of them, on the other hand, are crap shots, places and people I don't recognise, double prints, and images of my thumb. They have no meaning for me; I don't even have any qualms about saying I don't want them.

I'm not sure what to do with them, however. No matter that they have no meaning for me, I grew up believing that every photograph is a story and holds a piece of life in it; I don't believe the camera steals a bit of soul, but I do believe that photos have a magic beyond my grasp. I don't want to simply toss them in a bag and into the trash. It seems like tempting fate.

Sam's random superstitious side comes out. :)

Still, I don't want them, and I don't want to make something out of them. Burning is usually best in a magical sense for this kind of thing, but unfortunately isn't really an option; it puts out a lot of toxic chemicals and I have no good place to do it. neifile7 pointed me to Joachim Schmid, who is a fantastic artist working with photographs but who unfortunately does not seem to have a public call out for donations of old photos, at least that I've been able to find.

I think the best thing to do would be to shred them, but again -- I can't use the shredders at work, because we recycle our shred, and photos can actually slow the recycling process due to their chemical makeup.

It bears rumination.

Tue, Feb 9th, 2010 -- 05:42 pm

Today, BossBoss and I wrote a book.

Well, ok, we've been writing it for some time. It's called the Big Book Of Awesome and it's basically everything inside my head and his head, puked up onto paper. There is no question the Big Book Of Awesome cannot answer.

Our company is not very good at information management, so it has taken a lot of research and time for us to get all this done. I know who to call, for example, if I can't figure out an invoice, but I don't know their title or why they know how to figure it out or even if it's their job. I just know if I call this person all will be revealed. So in order to put it in the Big Book Of Awesome, I have to find all that stuff out. It's been a long project.

This afternoon, BossBoss said, "Well, it's quiet. Let's make the Comic Book Of Awesome!"

"The Comic Book Of Awesome?" said I.

"Yeah! It's like the Big Book Of Awesome, only for idiots," he said. Let Idiots = everyone but me and him.

The Comic Book Of Awesome is basically the Big Book boiled down to the basics that everyone needs to know but nobody actually knows. Most of it consists of "If you need X, contact Sam" or "If you need Y, call the IT people" with a sprinkling of "It's not our job to tell you this but since the people who should be doing it can't be fucked to, here it is". I took a sharp knife to 83 pages of content and got it down to 22 pages, slapped a cover on it, and sent it to him; he printed it as a booklet and then we had a little "We Are The Champions" moment.

The Comic Book Of Awesome makes us look great, because 1. it proves we know everything ever and 2. it points up sharply that if you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it.

Because you can't yourself. Because we won't tell you how. Even though we know everything.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tue, Feb 9th, 2010 -- 03:17 pm

Dear Chicago,

Are you all new or something?

This is what happens in the winter, this white stuff falling from the sky. O'Hare closes when someone sneezes near a runway, so don't think that means anything to me. Yes, there is a ridiculous amount of snow, but you will note that the temperature is high enough to keep the roads clear and the ice off the pavement. You all have hats, or should.

DON'T PANIC.

Yrs Sincerely,

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Reality

Tue, Feb 9th, 2010 -- 08:55 am

Some mornings, I wish I could clock into my job with extra force. I wish for Extreme Timecards.

I feel like I should get -- not more money, but somehow a little stamp next to my name on days like today, when half the staff totally fucked off because there's two inches of snow on the ground and a light dusting of it in the air. If I made it here from the Sheridan El stop, which is an open platform three stories off the ground with no windbreaks, you bastards with cars can damn well make the effort. And if you won't, I should get a gold star next to my name when I clock in.

And a cookie.

BossBoss is in today though, good man himself. Yesterday we were LOLing just before I left work, because my mother emailed me that there was a "Snow Event" on its way to Chicago. My immediate response was "I hope there's live music!"

If we end up being the only two staff members in today we are totally going to hang out and watch streaming Doctor Who bootlegs in the conference room.

Mon, Feb 8th, 2010 -- 11:24 am

Good morning, blogland! Okay, it was a little closer to "morning" and not "second breakfast" when I wrote this....

Today is a very literary morning. For some reason I've been Followed on Twitter by a pair of literary linkspammers, JustAuthors and TheManuscript, who contrary to Twitter's usual linkspam denizens actually have useful information to share (if you're looking for interesting Twitterers at the intersection of Digital and Literary, Catchn is another good one and a bit less impersonal).

The DIY Book Tour is not about DIY Books (ie, Nameless) as I thought it might be, but rather about DIY tours. It's an article about how for a certain level of writer, it may be more effective or at any rate more emotionally satisfying to do readings outside of the usual bookstore run. It's not something I could do, for any number of totally irrational reasons, but it may be of interest to those who have self-published and are looking to self-market and don't suffer from paralytic shyness.

More directly in the Extribulum line is DIY Publishing (sensing a theme?) which talks about what you should and shouldn't pay for as a self-publisher. Editing/design/marketing packages are Lulu's stock in trade, and it's the one truly annoying thing I have to ignore about the website. I'm lucky, because aside from the investment of time I pay nothing for my editing services (thank you, Cafe) and I'm skilled enough in the visual arts to be able to typeset and cover-create mostly on my own. The article lists some good resources, and also inadvertently informs us of where our skill sets should lie: the successful self-publisher needs to be a bit of a Renaissance Person, capable not only of writing engagingly but of typesetting and graphic design with competence and marketing with dedication. If you cannot be all these things, it helps to find friends who can be one or two....

Aside from all this, I'm finally buckling down and starting the soul-crushing, ego-destroying process of re-reviewing all the crit I got from CG and forming it into a coherent "you suck" report that will help me figure out what needs fixing. (This is a joke, btw. I know nobody thinks I suck, and my soul is not actually crushed. But it is a somewhat painful process and it helps to make light of it via the "Drama Queen" route.)

One of the intriguing things about Charitable Getting is how many people pointed out that it didn't feel like a book -- it felt like a sitcom or a TV show or a film. I didn't write Charitable Getting with a film adaptation in mind; I didn't cast it in my head or really do anything all that different from what I did with Nameless, in terms of methodology -- I stumbled on a story and wrote it. So I wonder if it's not so much the content of CG as the mindset of our culture.

The book is lighthearted. It's a lighthearted book. Nothing truly serious happens in it and I wasn't going for anything truly serious to happen in it; I wanted it to be a good story but I didn't really feel like it had to be a deep one. I think people aren't used to books being lighthearted anymore. Even books that are funny generally have a twist of the knife in store, and the most irreverent of books tend to also be the angriest these days. Books that are funny aren't usually fictional, or if they are it's a much darker funny than the essentially family-friendly kind found in Charitable Getting. This isn't a criticism of anyone or anything, really, just an observation. It seems like we expect that books will somehow have an intangible more, and films and TV will somehow have less.

As with Nameless, Charitable Getting is a bit of a freak. It doesn't fit into a genre without a few gentle whacks. Valet of Anize doesn't really either, and Dead Isle straddles a weird line between Kiplingesque adventure and serious social commmentary. I kind of wish they did slot more neatly. It would make marketing a lot easier.

On the other hand, I love my little mutant children, because they're mine, and secretly because Darwin teaches us that evolution depends on mutation.

And anyway I'm okay with giving you guys a sitcom to read. It's something different, at least, eh?

Sun, Feb 7th, 2010 -- 02:10 pm

As promised!

Sam's Three Thirty Things About White Collar (3a Never Counts):

( HOOOOOOLD ON, AAAAAH'M COMIN! )

3a. Is it Tuesday yet?

Sun, Feb 7th, 2010 -- 09:59 am

Good morning blogland! (Blogland would be a great name for a novel. CG's sequel, perhaps :D).

I have been making a lot of very targeted posts lately, Informing You Of Things What I Think You Should Know, and this morning I got up and was just like, I WANT TO TALK TO THE INTERNET. So. Hi internet! What's new with you?

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was happening this weekend, so I'm not watching it; I scheduled to take out the Go Car and go to storage to pick up an antique clock my parents hand-me-downded to me, a teacher's printing tray from 1902, and an ironing board. Such is my life.

Otherwise today is a day for lazing, I think, and trying to get a few things done, but not fretting overmuch if I don't. Yesterday I didn't open my Official To Do list all day long, and just made the list from whatever occurred to me to do, and that left me calmer at the end of the day than I have been in weeks.

I did check in with the to-do list this morning but nothing will catch on fire if I don't do it today, so I closed it again and I am going to make pancakes instead. WHO WANTS MAPLE SYRUP WITH THEIRS?

Sat, Feb 6th, 2010 -- 03:19 pm

Well, that was an efficient morning.

I cleaned the bathroom, did a ton of dishes, took out three bags of trash, and cooked epic food: beans (made with homemade bbq sauce!) and rice, rhubarb crumble (rhubarb was on sale again!), no-knead bread, and started some gravlax. I don't like the taste of cooked fish, but I like smoked, cured, or raw. Gravlax is a good balance between "can't easily get sushi-quality fish" and "don't like cooked fish". Between all that, the hummus, the avocados, the mashed sunchokes I'm going to make, and the GALLON OF CHEESE, I may go vegetarian this week. It's not that I want to, but I also don't want to have a heart attack when I'm 35.

I realise that a gallon of cheese will not improve my heart health, but it will make vegetarian food worth eating.

I also roomba'd the bedroom. Poor Dalek Suck, he works as hard as he can but sometimes he gets confused, and he always gets tired and stops going when he's under the bed. I also have to fold up all the folding chairs when I break him out, because he gets stuck under them and cries.

I am still going through feedback for CG -- hell, I'm still RECEIVING IT -- and February will no doubt be the Month Of Rewrite, but I've had a few inquiries and I wanted to make sure people were aware that yes, I will be typesetting and publishing Charitable Getting with Lulu.

I need to finish Valet of Anize and I also need to rewrite Dead Isle, but both have their own issues; I'm a bit blocked on Valet (I know where it's going but not how to get there) and Dead Isle...well, I want to rewrite and publish Dead Isle, but that is ( a difficult process. )

Anyway. OMG HIGH ENERGY SATURDAY! I wonder how much more I can do before I pass out. :D

Fri, Feb 5th, 2010 -- 09:15 pm

Oh man it so pays to do research.

My brother has been sticking Mum with his student loan payments for two years because he's unemployed (because he's an illegal immigrant in Australia and an asshole nobody wants to hire) and she's paying them because Mama Tickey, my stepfather's mother, is a co-signer. Mama Tickey is too goddamn old to be dealing with that bullshit, right? I agree with this. But it means my mother is paying his loans, and that is even more bullshit.

BUT.

I know how to consolidate loans with the federal government. At this point I'm almost an expert. And I'm pretty sure the rollover would remove Mama Tickey as co-signer, given the specific circumstances. I mean, after all, he wants us to deal with these loans, right? He can't possibly do the paperwork himself.

Bernard, I am happy to do the paperwork. I am happy to paperwork you right into being responsible for your own student loans. And I hope your wife enjoys being married to someone who is suddenly thousands of dollars in debt with the federal government of the United States.

I am never going to enjoy doing paperwork this much ever again.

Fri, Feb 5th, 2010 -- 11:45 am

Okay guys, here is what I have to share with you this morning:

If you are not watching White Collar, you are missing some of the best television on television.

Fri, Feb 5th, 2010 -- 08:34 am

LOL MY MORNING LET ME TELL YOU IT.

First, I arrived at our building to find that the elevator bank that goes to our floors was Out. What was amusing was that there was this crowd of people huddled around the elevators, which are down a small hall from the security desk, and they all said to me "Oh, the elevators aren't working". So I thought, well, there's no point in standing about, I'll go say hi to my buddy at the security desk and make sure he knows about this.

Nobody knew they were broken. None of the people patiently waiting for the elevators to be fixed thought to TELL ANYONE. I guess they thought the Justice League might see it on their computers and send Batman down with a torque wrench?

My buddy in security called the elevator guys, who were working on one of the elevators on the third floor, and the guys came down to fix what they had incidentally broken in the first place. Unfortunately, after ten minutes it was not fixed. So I gathered the various admins and staff who belong to me and quietly took them down to the basement, where I talked the dock guy into taking us directly to the 19th floor in the terrifying but pleasantly large freight elevator.

Because I am a goddamn Office Ninja.

Anyway, my reward for being a genius is that Coworker Fail has pinkeye and is out today.

\o/

Thu, Feb 4th, 2010 -- 02:59 pm

One of our clients just spent ten minutes talking at me as a lead-up to asking me out with the incredibly suave, "So if I come back at 4:30, will you take your shirt off?"

It's days like this I feel I'm being paid not so much to answer phones and book conference rooms as to not kill our clients.

On the other hand, Coworker Fail got pissed at me yesterday when I forcibly prevented him from doing my job, and now he's not speaking to me.

God, I wonder how long I can get him to keep it up.

Wed, Feb 3rd, 2010 -- 10:22 pm

I watched Shark Attack III this evening while cleaning.

I'm not proud.

You knew that.

Sam's Three Things About Shark Attack III: ( MEGALODON )

3a. Look, I don't really have anything else to say about this film, so here is John Barrowman in a wetsuit.

Wed, Feb 3rd, 2010 -- 10:51 am

All right, Chapter Eleven and the Epilogue of Charitable Getting have been posted. Phew, what a rush.

I am super-behind on comments due to a rough week, but I have read them all and there are a great many that need replies and have not got them yet. My apologies for this! I do appreciate everyone's feedback.

( Some thoughts off the top of my head. )

Tue, Feb 2nd, 2010 -- 08:04 pm

And then it was cancelled.

I love R, I really do, but this is why I would never, ever go out with him even if I fancied men. He's such a force for chaos, and I can't deal with too much chaos in my life. I don't think I've ever walked slower than I did getting to the bar, and I'm relieved they're not playing tonight, but at the same time -- goodbye, an hour of my evening.

Well, whatever. I don't have to go, and that's the main thing.

Tue, Feb 2nd, 2010 -- 06:27 pm

Okay kids, I'm off to watch R play harmonica!




....in a crowded bar.

Full of strange people.

Great.

Tue, Feb 2nd, 2010 -- 12:01 pm

I DECLARE TODAY A DOONA DAY.

For those of you not in Australia or of Australian colleagueship, that is a day in which you stay home under your doona (blanket). So I am home, and doing a lot of dishes, for tonight I go out to see R do something with a harmonica (he begged).

In the meanwhile, FANS LOCATED IN EGYPT! Specifically in Alexandria! bad_angle is doing a film project and wants to talk to you :) She is looking for fannish people, or for people who know of fannish resources, in and around Alexandria, Egypt. Knock yourselves out!

And now I go to watch some TV. Luxury!

Tue, Feb 2nd, 2010 -- 12:14 am

SO.

I had a nap, and felt better, and then I watched Sherlock Holmes. The other one, not the good one, this time.

I find myself oddly charmed by it, actually.

I will say that I think they could have titled this movie (spoilers behind the cut!) ( Sherlock Holmes And The Ill-Fitting Trousers Of Dr. Watson. )

Mon, Feb 1st, 2010 -- 05:40 pm

Chapter ten of Charitable Getting is posted! Chapter eleven and the epilogue will be posted on Wednesday. The end is in sight! :D

And I have a headache the size of a small planet, so I'm going to go lie down in the dark for a while.

Mon, Feb 1st, 2010 -- 03:02 pm

BossBoss has decided to do his work at my desk instead of his, today, because he keeps getting distracted at his desk.

Thus, CG will be posted late today. Possibly not until I get home. Sorry guys!

I have to go write a newsletter article about the hazards of individual creamer cups.