Nobody said it was easy (copperbadge ) wrote,
It's time for another round of Sam Explains Comic Books!

Okay actually there's not much explanation going on in this one. It's mostly extrapolation. I'm not going to lie to you guys, though, there is also a naked Captain America in this one. And a mostly-naked Wolverine. Have fun with that.

We are calling this episode WOLVERINE'S SCHOOL FOR YOUNG GENTLEPEOPLE. Starring Claire, amand_r , spiderine , neifile7 , misswinterhill , gypsylady , and 51stcenturyfox !

Requisite smoking Fassbender:



Sam: The next Discussion is "Wolverine's School For Young Gentlepeople" because in some universe apparently Wolverine being headmaster of a high school made sense.

pippinsalanna : To be fair, I wouldn't try running a high school with anything less than superpowers and razor sharp claws.

Sam: ...you make an irrefutably good point.

THIS IS SOME CONTEXT FOR YOU GUYS:

Sam: In the Ultimates version of the Marvel universe, Tony inadvertently killed his girlfriend, but Cap wins for pathos as he deliberately killed his son.

Claire: I can't bear a plotline where a hero kills a loved one for dramatic effect. At least Cap's fridged loved one wasn't a woman!!!

Sam: Well, fortunately, they seem to have mostly ignored it (Ultimates Cap is a bit of a sociopath). Also, being fair, he didn't even know he had a son till he found out his son was a mass murdering hit-man bent on destroying the universe. So they weren't close or anything.

Claire: WAIT - what happened to Cap's son's Mom? She's dead too?

Sam: The backstory is complicated, but essentially in this version of the story, he had an actual girlfriend he visited while he was home on leave from the war. She didn't find out she was pregnant until after he was "presumed dead" in the ice, and the government made her give the baby up so they could use the kid as the next generation of super soldiers. Kid spent his whole adolescence in a lab, broke out, and decided to freelance as a hit man for anyone who hated America.

Oh also in this series Tony Stark has a twin brother, Gregory, who is blond and smarter than him and keeps calling him a bitch.


Ultimates: messed up, yo.

Claire: Is the brother evil??? I think older siblings are always smarter. For instance, I am an older sibling. Evidence. Case closed!

Sam: I JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE IS. He got Spider-man killed and tried to start WWIII with Korea. Never trust a Stark, man.

Claire: That's awesome, except Spidey died again? I've heard that Spidey keeps dying. Last you told me he took a bullet for Captain America!

Sam: He took a bullet for Cap that was fired on account of Gregory Stark's warmongering. (I didn't know who was shooting at Cap earlier.)

These comics are so messed up oh my god.

Claire: Well that whole plot was stupid as obvs nobody should jump in front of Cap to take a bullet. He can take his own bullets.

You heard, me Rogers



ULTIMATE COMICS: BOARDING SCHOOL EDITION

Claire: Why do people give Spidey such shit? Spidey is very virtuous. He wasn't born rich, he doesn't have a fabulous job, and he has to work for a living WHILE solving crime!

Also his web flinging may be a "weapon" (sort of) but it's not as destructive/offensive as some others .... so it's not like he can knock a building over with energy blasts or what have you. So people should be nice to him for fuck's sake.

Sam: It's kind of one of his superpowers, I think: "Gets lots of shit from everyone". There's a great moment in Ultimate Comics where SHIELD asks Cap, Thor, and Iron Man for their opinions of Spider-man and Cap's like "He should be grounded" and Thor's like "HE IS A YOUNG WARRIOR! HE SHOULD BE REWARDED!" and Tony's like "Uh, we could...y'know, train him..."

So they make Tony train him, which is a mistake, because Tony's all "I have no clue how to do this. Wanna play with robots?" and of course Spider-man says YES THANKS OMG ROBOTS!


Claire: I don't think Spidey would benefit from Avengers training, I'd send him over to Professor X toot suite and make a proper weapon out of him whilst pretending to give him a classical education. They have a Danger Room AND Wolverine.

Spider-man: "Why am I enrolled for a Masters in Latin!?"
Wolverine: "We all have to learn Latin here. And Algebra."
Spider-man: "... Even you Wolverine?"
Wolverine: (hurls Spiderman to the ground) "SAY IT IN LATIN, PUNK!"
Spider-man: "... Et ... tu ... Wolvus .. !?! ?!?"

Sam: Spider-man: Professor Xavier, What's 'comportment'?
Xavier: Ballroom dancing.
Spider-man: Seriously?
Xavier: Evil comes in many guises, young arachnid.

Claire: Spider-man looked down at the rest of his class schedule in despair. "Comportment" was listed between "Advanced Genetics" and "Table Etiquette".

"A whole class in table etiquette?" Spider-man wondered.

"There are many forks," Wolverine screamed, hurling Spidey to the ground again. "YOU WILL LEARN THEM ALL, SOLDIER."

"Stop hurling me to the ground," Spider-man begged. "What kind of teacher are you!?"

"Mutant Teacher of the Year. Four years in a row." Wolverine pointed to his plaque on the wall. It was hanging beside three other plaques.

Spider-man would think of that day fondly many years later at his wedding.

"What do you think this fork does?" Mary Jane picked up a tiny fork on the table.

Peter grinned. "It's for clams, MJ! ... Learned that first day of my Masters program."

Across the ballroom Wolverine lifted his own clam fork in a gesture of respect to Peter. Peter nodded solemnly. They were brothers in arms!

Sam: I am now sorely tempted to write this in a serious and literary manner.

Claire: It could be one of those DID YOU KNOW from Wikipedia: Peter Parker (Spider-man) completed a degree at the Xavier Academy for Freaks graduating in 2012 with a full command of classical Latin & Greek. And also the secret ability to fly a fighter jet.

Sam: I find the idea of him quipping things in Latin charming!

Claire: I find the idea of him ballroom dancing charming. Nobody wants to take ballroom dancing at the school, but whenever they complain, Prof X just looks down at his legs sadly. That makes them all feel guilty and work really hard at ballroom dancing.

BTW I don't think Professor X gives a shit about ballroom dancing. He probably hated it himself, but for the hour that the kids are twirling in the ballroom with Wolverine, the rest of teachers can drink in the teachers wing. In the booze room. It's under the badminton court.

Sam: I like how you have Wolverine teaching Latin and Comportment.

Claire: Wolverine also teaches "Lumberjacking" and "Outdoorsmanshipping". During Outdoorsmanshipping when students are weeping in tents on the lawn is also another time for the teachers to get together and drink.

Anya: Uhhh...I think the ballroom dancing is deportment, not comportment. Comportment is how you write invitations and which fork to use with your partridge.

Claire: I can't believe you just corrected Wolverine. People don't correct Wolverine. That's the first lesson of Comportment class.

Wolverine hurled Anya to the ground and screamed into her face. Spider-man shook his head. "The new kids never learn!"

Anya: The second lesson of Comportment is: floss before you scream death threats into your students' faces.

Claire: You keep that up and you are going to get Comportment homework.

It's embroidery.

Mandr: What blows my mind is that Professor X could just like upload all the ballroom dancing into their heads, like he did with all the foreign languages (seriously, how do you think Kitty learned Russian?), but instead, HE MAKES THEM SUFFER.

Jean: (as they look out over the sea of stumbling youths) You could just you know, load it in their brains.
Xavier: Don't question my methods.
Wolverine: I SAID BOW TO YOUR PARTNER.

Claire: Cyclops: Another martini, Jean?
Jean: Yes thank you!!
Wolverine: PICK UP YOUR FUCKING TAIL, NIGHTCRAWLER

Sam: Wolverine's going to give Peter so much extra Ballroom Dancing homework.




HANK MCCOY: SEAMSTRESS

Jenny: X-Men: First Class implies that they only spent a week or so in the mansion doing training montages, but they can't have, because Beast makes them all uniforms in that time, and they're complicated, well-fitted uniforms. Plus he was also making prettifying serum at the same time.

Claire: Um they only spent a WEEK "training" and they learned all that stuff? That's stupid make it a couple months. Stupid movie making no sense.

Fuck that, you can't invent a flying jacket and learn to fly in a week, stupid movie. Also who spends a week jogging and lifting weights? WHAT IS THE POINT IF YOU ONLY HAVE A WEEK? Practice shooting instead.

Jenny: Look, it's obvious, after he transformed Beast wrecked up his lab in a Hyde-like rage, and then he calmly sat down with his seam ripper, took out all the seams on his flight suit, and spent the rest of the night sewing lots more panels into it.

Claire: Yeah wait he only turned into Beast the night before so how did he magic up a Beast costume. Jenny I didn't want to see flaws and now I see flaws...

Jenny: Yeah, XMFC fanon makes the mansion training much longer. I have to agree with them. Have you ever tried to teach a teenager anything?

Claire: Beast is awesome - I cheered for him when he choked Magneto. Frankly Magneto's cock-blocking was totally unfair. Beast is a nice guy and a teenager who hates his body like all teens, stop making him out to be a huge mutant-hater.

Jenny: Beast: Did I get your inside leg measurement, Professor?
Professor Xavier: Did you get Erik's? Because, damn.

Sam: "Erik told me what side he dresses on. I didn't need to know!"

Jenny: Fandom, despite the fact that he spent the whole movie pitching a tent over Raven, pairs Beast up with Alex. Apparently making comments about the size of a guy's feet means you want to check whether the foot size/dick size ratio is true. With your mouth.



MUTANT WEDDING TIME:

Sam: It's Wedding time! Northstar (from ALPHA FLIGHT) and Kyle are getting hitched!

Claire: First of all I THOUGHT ALPHA FLIGHT WAS NOT BEING WRITTEN ANYMORE - SAM!!!

Second of all "Kyle"? He doesn't have a superhero name ... Just "Kyle"? He doesn't even have a last name? He's just Kyle? That's a terrible superhero name!

Sam: He's not a superhero! He's just a dude! I don't think Northstar is with Alpha Flight anymore, I think he's with the X-Men now.

Claire: Can't the invite have his last name at least? I'd have it read: "Northstar (a mutant) and Kyle Smith (a normal gay person)"

Sam: I'm sure the official engraved ones had his full name on them. And probably a maple leaf.

Claire: Wolverine is in charge of entertainment at the gay mutant wedding. He lives for this shit.

"This is why you punks spent four years taking comportment!" Wolverine howled as the X-Men twirled around the room practising their waltzes.



IN A TUXEDO!

Sam: Hey Claire, it looks like Marvel's starting to listen to you. This month's Wolverine And The X-Men has Wolverine fighting aliens...IN A TUXEDO.


WRONG FORK MOTHERFUCKERS!

Claire: OH WOW I think my fandom willpower extends right to Marvel HQ!!! OMG do you think I could be a mind controller??? Look how nice he looks in his neat suspenders and his bowtie --- not a wrinkle! But is he killing aliens? How strange.

I love how it's called Wolverine and The X-Men. That's right Marvel, you put Wolverine first. You do that and it is right and proper.

Mandr: that big head guy in the front looks like the alien from mos eisley cantina.

Claire: If they attacked during one of Wolverine's charity galas he will be so pissed. He worked forever on the decorations and music selection.

Sam: Oh my god, Wolverine is the HEADMASTER they call him PROFESSOR LOGAN

Claire: OF COURSE THEY DO. RENAME IT "WOLVERINE'S ACADEMY FOR GIFTED WOLVERINES IN TRAINING". The W-Men.

Maybe Cyclops died! Maybe all the X-Men died ... and now Wolverine has to teach.

(Ed Note: Cyclops did not die, he's alive and well and living in San Francisco (no seriously). Wolverine founded the Jean Grey School after deciding Cyclops was a crazy militant who was going to get a lot of children killed. This is known as the Schism arc and is best exemplified by this comic followed by this comic.)

Student: "When is Mr Summers coming back?"
Wolverine: "Never."
Student: "Who teaches math?"
Wolverine: "Nobody, you have Viennese Waltzes and Advanced Posture in that slot now."

Sam: From the inside cover of this comic:

"Can life at the Jean Grey school ever be normal? The bulk of the students and faculty are locked up tight in the safe room while seemingly-pregnant Headmistress Pryde and student Broo fend off an attack by a giant unidentified alien. Meanwhile, Headmistress Pryde's innards are actually swarming with millions of microscopic Brood, not to mention miniaturized Professors Beast, Iceman, and Rachel Grey along with Shi'ar bodyguard Warbird. They embarked on a fantastic voyage into her innerspace to retrieve their impetuous student Kid Gladiator...who has now become a Brood himself. To top it all off, Headmaster Logan is off at a space casino with student Quentin Quire, trying to scam his way into funding the school."

That's right, Wolverine went to a space casino to steal money to fund his school.

Claire: They renamed the school Jean Grey HA HA HA. Professor X they spit on your grave. Thanks for all the work advancing mutant rights and building a mutant-focused curriculum, now fuck off!

Mandr: WAIT, THE X MEN ARE ON FANTASTIC VOYAGE IN KITTY'S INNARDS, AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LOGAN'S SCHOOL FUNDING TECHNIQUES?

Sam: It's not that fantastic. There's an undue amount of vomit in this issue.



THE ART OF WOLVERINE:

Foxy: Does Wolverine have to cut a hole in his pants for his tail?

Claire: Wolverine has a tail?!

Foxy: Why wouldn't he have a tail? Yes, he has a TAIL.

Sam: Wait, since when does Wolverine have a tail?

Claire: Why wasn't that in the movie? What can he do with his tail - is it adamantium?

Mandr: Wolverine doesn't have a tail, Foxy! He GETS a lot of tail!

Claire: Listen you guys you can't tell me comic book lies, that's cruel. I don't have time to Wikipedia everything to verify your crazed claims!!!

Foxy: Look, show me his ass with no tail and I'll believe you. He probably tucks it like a Drag Race contestant in a bias-cut dress.

Mandr:

NO TAIL, YOU LIAR

Foxy: If there is a shadow or something, that's totally his tail. They probably don't show it a lot because of the comic book standards commission from the 1950s.

Claire: No Wolverine is proud. If he had a tail he wouldn't hide it! He'd be like: "Look at my tail. Beg me to join your team. I love reluctantly being on your team!"

Foxy: Maybe it got docked! Like a show dog!

Sam: Uh, this is not what I...

No, what...

I don't...

This isn't...


Mandr: OMG SAM WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Sam: A ball-jointed Wolverine action figure. Naked.

Well, except for his shoes.



THIS BECOMES RELEVANT IN A MINUTE:

Sam: You know, you really don't appreciate an artist's skill at drawing boobs until you see some truly badly-drawn ones.


The early 00s were not a good time to be a woman in the Iron Man comics.

Mandr: Dude. Rob Liefeld.

Sam: Isn't he the one who drew Cap like a tank? And the Logan/Jean where her waist is thinner than his bicep?


AHA HE WAS


Foxy: I do not like his drawing!

Okay, the shield is good!

Sam: There's no excuse for it, but more importantly, there's no explanation. Like, you cannot deduce what his intent even was.

Mandr: Haahahaha someone did that pic without his clothes on so you could see:


Spider: LOOOOOVE the dick, dude! Steroids much?

Foxy: What the frilly fuck??? That just looks odd! Like these muscles don't exist on humans laid out in this way (or humanoids).

Mandr: There are whole treatises about Rob's sins. It's like the most lol thing in the universe.

Jenny: Does anyone else get the impression that if he wore a normal shirt over all that muscle, he'd just look fat? The same way that in a high neck, big boobs make it look like you're smuggling puppies?

Claire: Captain America why is your manly chest wriggling????



HERE'S WHERE IT GETS RELEVANT:

Sam: "During X-Men: Regenesis Wolverine left Utopia with a group of X-Men and students, they moved back to Westchester, New York where they founded the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning." BEAST IS THE VICE PRINCIPAL. I bet their grudgematch football games with Utopia are fucking awesome.

(Ed Note: "Utopia" is where the X-Men have been living for the last little while. It's an island off San Francisco. I don't know why.)

Mandr: I knew there was a split! BECAUSE SCOTT IS A DICKWEED.

Sam: He's so insane. Why is he even allowed to roam free? He's so crazy. When Wolverine thinks you're crazy, you are CRAZY.

Claire: If Wolverine and Beast needed to start a rival school I'd be quite concerned about the quality of education at Cyclops Academy! LOL that they named it after Cyclop's girlfriend.

That was a fuck you

that was so a fuck you

I think they need to reboot the series because I don't want to read about the X-Men in San Francisco and a Jean Grey School run by Wolverine and Kitty's innards. X-Men should be in an X School with Jean Grey IN IT studying her maths and powers because she is not dead! Just reboot it Marvel and make it start all over again so I can read from Book 1 and forget about all your other shit. This would be more convenient to me.

Sam: After they sent Wolverine to space in a tuxedo for you, I worry about your power. THEY MIGHT DO IT!

Claire: True. With great power comes great responsibility. I need to think carefully how I should use my power. I'm not saying Wolverine, Captain America and Magneto should wrestle topless ... I'm just suggesting it, as a suggestion. And they have to be their movie actors wrestling, no weird drawings like that Captain American image you guys sent me where he's grotesquely drawn.


Sam:


Mandr: That is. That's.

Claire: The fuck! You were specifically directed to think of Chris Evans in that spot and you fucking punked me!!! His face is looking right at me, accusingly. "Claire why did you let this happen?"

I didn't know, Captain America. I didn't know people do such things in drawings!!!

Mandr: I think this should make it to one of the comic entries on your blog, Sam. Because that is too horrible not to share.

Sam: Oh, it's going in. I want everyone to appreciate I had to individually trim all the background away from Cap's monstrous, misshapen pecs.

Claire: Using photoshop against me. I AM IMPRESSED SIR. Your talent guarantees you admission to the Jean Grey Academy

Sam: I always wanted to learn Greek and do ballroom dancing!

Claire: Oh shit I forgot that Wolverine is teaching subjects you like OKAY HE ALSO TEACHES GYM

Mandr: AND ART! HE SAID HE TEACHES ART IN THE MOVIES.

Logan: TODAY WE ARE MAKING POTTERY. IF ANYONE DOES A GHOST IMPRESSION, I WILL GUT YOU.

Sam: I would pay good cash money to be taught art by Wolverine. I bet he does wicked sculptures with those claws.

Claire: Wolverine: This year in Greek class we have a field trip.
Students: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolverine: Shut the fuck up!
Students: ....
Wolverine: We ain't going to Greece. We're going on a secret mission to a space casino.
Students: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolverine: Shut the fuck up!
Students: ....
Wolverine: You're all staying locked in the space shuttle while I get our funding for our next fiscal.



DON'T ASK WHAT A WINE PASSPORT IS:

Sam: I bet Wolverine does wicked fundraising events. I mean if he asked you for money would you say no?

Wolverine: BUY A FUCKING WINE PASSPORT.
Donor: What do you get with the wine passport?
Wolverine: You get the pleasure of giving me some goddamn money for all the fucking canapes we serve at school lunch.

Claire: LOL TAKE MY WALLET, Wolverine! It's in a baggie!!!

Professor X always knows who to assign to the correct tasks.

Kitty: "I'll sell wine passports, Professor!"
Professor X: "No no dear, I think Wolverine is doing just fine."

(in the background of this panel imagine Wolverine helping himself to the contents of Tony Stark's wallet.)

Wolverine: One for $50 or three for $100 .. Or six for $10,000.
Tony: Your math--
Wolverine: GIVE IT!!!!
Tony: Sure
Wolverine: TAKE YOUR FUCKING SIX TICKETS!!! Don't FUCKING LOSE THE STUBS!!!

Tony wins the raffle of course

Guests: That is so fucking unfair.
Professor X: LOL
Tony: I won a 7 day cruise! On a cruise line I own!
Professor X: LOL
Tony: (checks sheet) .. Retail value $6,000! Wow! A tax write off AND a vacation! Oh my goodness, there's a second prize ....
Guests: ....
Tony: (reads sheet) "Lunch with Tony Stark." Amazing! I'm so honoured!! "Includes visit from Iron Man." Well, I can't wait. Thank you Xavier Academy for putting this magical evening together!
Guests: ....

Sam: TONY STARK WOULD FUCKING ADORE A LUNCH WITH HIMSELF. If there's one thing he's a fan of, it's Tony Stark.

Claire: I'm sure that he would also love standing at a podium in front of a room filled with his rich contemporaries and thanking himself for himself's incredible generosity!

Tony: Thank you all! (blows kiss) Stay frosty!

Sam: Wolverine: Did he just give us finger-guns?

Claire: No. I didn't. They were respect-guns. Coming out of my hands. I respect u.

Sam: I'm sure if he weren't terrifying and kind of unwashed, Tony would respect Wolverine all night long.

Mandr: NONSENSE! WOLVERINE CLEANS UP WELL. DID YOU NOT SEE THE TUX, SAM?

Claire: HAHAHAH just because he's hairy and lives in the woods (sometimes) doesn't mean he's unwashed! Don't be mutantist, Sam!!!

Sam: I'm just saying even Tony Stark thinks twice before doing a guy who has knives in his knuckles. They could pop out at inconvenient moments!

Mandr: Tony has a thermal detonator lodged in his chest. I think he likes to live dangerously.

Sam: Well, yeah, he still does it, obviously. He just spends two minutes considering it first.

Claire: Tony: Is Magneto attending your fundraising gala?

Wolverine: Hell no!

Tony: I RSVP!

Sam: He did buy a lot of wine passports from Wolverine.

Mandr: "These are for wine?" Tony slurred. "But I already have wine! I think I own a vineyard." He hiccuped. "I own Napa valley, I think, actually." He waved the passports. "I thought these were dance cards for you."

Wolverine glowered. "You can't even do the foxtrot," he growled.

Claire: Tony: Come onnnn ... teach me .. .I want to learn .. mutant dances...! Is that racist to say mutant dances? I mean, "unnatural" dances!

Meanwhile...

Wolverine: I got one booklet left.
Sam: Well ....
Wolverine: How many tickets do you want bub?
Sam: Well ...
Wolverine: I SAID. HOW MANY DO YOU FUCKING WANT SIR?
Sam: One please!

Mandr: Every time you insert Sam into the story I think you mean Sam Guthrie, and then I wonder why Cannonball is getting all the abuse.



fUNDRAISER FOR xAVIER:

Mandr: "fUNDRAISER FOR xAVIER'S" IS A FANFIC I WOULD READ.

Claire: the lower case is because Toad was in charge of the printing! !

Wolverine pitches a fucking hissy fit when he sees the invites.


Wolverine: " 'WHORE DURVES' & COCKTAILS!?"
Professor X: LOL

Professor X is LOLing in his mind at this entire thing, not LOLing with his mouth, that would be rude.

Professor X: These are lovely invites, Logan.
Wolverine: I had to fix all of Toad's mistakes.
Professor X: Hundreds have been invited, I see.
Wolverine: Yeah the whole guest list.
Professor X: I note it doesn't mention that guests should buy tickets before attending.
Wolverine: .... God ... FUCKING ... DAMN!!!!!!!!!!
Professor X: Perhaps, a corporate sponsor?
Wolverine: I'm going to Stark's for cocoa. And teamwork. And to bring back a cheque.
Professor X: LOL



STEAMROLLER NOOOOO:

Claire: HAHAHHAHA Wolverine !!!!

The Punisher Runs Wolverine Over With A Steamroller

Sam: Frank shoots Logan's testicles off and mows him down with a steamroller

Frank shoots Logan's testicles off and mows him down with a steamroller

Frank shoots Logan's testicles off and mows him down with a steamroller

I THINK YOU MISSED THE MOST IMPORTANT PART

Claire: Yes I assume that Logan loses his testicles ALL the time! HAHAHAHHAA. Didn't Magneto rip out his skeleton?



WHEELCHAIR THIEF:

Sam: Oh man I forgot a new issue of WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN came out


Claire: WHy is he in Professor X's chair. Did he murder Professor X?

Sam: Apparently at the end of the last issue, when he was fighting the aliens in the space casino? THEY MELTED HIS LEGS. And then the adamantium solidified again all crazy and crooked. So from the knees down he's all effed up.

(Ed Note: For the truly uninitiated, Wolverine has bones lined in Adamantium, the hardest metal in the world. Insert sex jokes here.)

Claire: Oh that is interesting. Wolverine can regenerate but how does his adamantium "regenerate". You'd think he'd be totally fucked up by now!

Sam: Adamantium never gets fucked up, is the issue. It's supposedly unable to bend, break, melt, et cetera, which is why he's so indestructible. The aliens used a special ray of some kind and Beast has to go find another one.

Claire: Taking Professor X's chair is totally rude considering he stole his school!!!!!

Sam: I have read two issues now and in neither issue was anyone, at any point, in a classroom. Except for Logan, who came to class and was all SORRY I'M LATE, POPPED MY BLADES AT A BAD MOMENT AND BLEW OUT THE WHEELCHAIR TIRES but nobody else was in class because they'd all gone back to the space casino to kick some butt for no apparent reason.

Claire: The space casino is still a plot ????

Sam: If you can call it a "plot". I had to re-read it to figure it out, but essentially there's a student at the school, Angel, who thinks God talks to him, and God told him to go to the casino, but once there apparently God had nothing else to say. So all the students just sort of kicked a bunch of ass and then went home again and Wolverine gave them all detention.

It has something to do with Angel wanting to "find himself".

Claire: I thought Angel had wings and was grown up

Sam: So did I, but apparently not. Well, he does have wings. And apparently some form of memory loss, so maybe he was de-aged or cloned or something.

Looking at the last page, I think I get it now, they went to the space casino to get the machine that fucked up Wolverine's legs, so they could unfuck his legs.

Claire: They have the technology to unfuck Wolverine's legs, but not to make psychic pants for Professor X or de-hairy Beast?

OF COURSE

Sam: I am still not sure what happened to Professor X, to be honest. I think maybe he fucked off to Tahiti or something.

Claire: But what about Beast!!! he has been hairy for all these years can't they fix him with space casino technology. unfair. And Cyclops is running the other school or whatever...there are not many characters I know in this comic even though Wolverine is there. They should reboot it and put in characters that I know from the movies!!!!

You never go wrong putting Wolverine in stories!!! That's Marvel's official policy. Put Wolverine in all the things.



DANGER LOBBY:

Sam: OH CAPTAIN AMERICA BURN:


Wolverine And The X-Men is fast becoming my favourite comic book. IT'S ALL THE CRACK, ALL THE TIME.

Claire: LOL what did Steve expect? Sawdust on the floor and children hanging from hooks??? LOL!!!!

Is that a little alien running the reception desk?

Sam: I think so. There's no explanation for the little alien.

As soon as he walks into the reception area, it turns into the DANGER ROOM and tries to put him through his paces. Wolverine eventually deactivates it, at which time it gives Cap a grade of B-minus.

Claire: I thought they got rid of the Danger Room because it became a person!?

Sam: I....

Mandr, you know anything about that? I got nothing.

Mandr: It did become a person! I bet they built a new one because they are horrible and cannot learn from mistakes! Nothing trains muties better than enslaved sentient technology! There's no irony in that at all!

Claire: LOL what they should have done is get one of those police academy courses where a cardboard figure pops up and you have to decide to shoot it if it has a gun or not shoot it if it is holding a baby.

ALso they should make the mutants climb over a wall, climb under barbed wire and run in and out of tires on the ground.

"TRAINING DONE." Claire announced. "Good job, mutants!!! Now let's go back to school for more deportment classes with Wolverine. Today we are making placemats out of lace."



Doop Doop Doop:

Sam: Claire, I have uncovered more about the alien receptionist at the Jean Grey school. His name is Doop! He keeps showing up!


Gypsy: What is he reading?

Sam: The article I pulled it from refers to the mag as "Crossgen" but whether that it's name or genre I'm not sure.

Claire: OMG Doop! What a great name. I love him. He's my favourite X-man now!!!!! Although I must say .. they are letting ALIENS in at an Academy for Mutants now? Why????? Don't they have Alien Academies? MUTANT JOBS FOR MUTANTS!!!

Shouldn't Magneto be making racist comments about this situation

Sam: Doop is a fictional character in the Marvel Universe who was created by writer Peter Milligan and artist Mike Allred. He is a green, floating spheroid creature of unknown origins who spoke in a "language" all his own (represented in text by a special font). Doop is a bisexual creature. Doop was said to be the product of a Cold War era U.S. military experiment, becoming instrumental in the fall of the Soviet Union.

In one incident, Doop's brain explodes, and parts of it land all across the world. X-Statix and Avengers fight each other to gain control of the brain pieces. Doop, running on a backup brain in his butt and now capable of human speech, joins in.

It was revealed that at some indeterminate point in Doop's life, he had an affair with a beautiful married woman. Her husband hired a private investigator, Chandler, to spy on his errant wife. In the end, Doop ditched the woman to have an affair with the detective.


I think he's my favourite now too.

Claire: AND HE'S SITTING AT A RECEPTION DESK AT A SCHOOL FOR MUTANTS READING COMIC BOOKS? I feel this is not using Doop's talents to full capacity.

Sam: Maybe Doop finds the reception desk relaxing! The reception lobby has a Danger Room built in, so really he's got a front row seat.

Mandr: MAYBE DOOP IS ON VACATION!

Spider: WTF? Since when does X-Men do this idiotic kind of comedy? I thought it was DRAAAAAAMAAAA

Sam: I suspect the eighties were involved in Doop's creation.

Claire: Maybe Doop is also the security feature there - like, he looks like a little green happy alien but he also is the school's security system.

Spider: In a school for mutants I would think that all the residents are the security system.

Sam: Little is known of Doop’s whereabouts between that period and his recent job as cameraman for the media-savvy, profit-driven mutant superteam X-Force, but at some point he befriended Wolverine and possibly became a priest.

I will not lol at work, I will not lol at work

Claire: hE'S ALSO A CAMERAMAN AND A PRIEST

DOOP IS THE BEST X-MAN

OTHER THAN wOLVERINE

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF DOOP!!!!!!!!!!


He has an ice cream



SEX ED WITH WOLVERINE:

Claire: Beast on your staff is a good idea. Now the little children won't have to hear your version of how evolution works.

"Basically kids, it started with the dinosaurs. They all died by meteors. Then, fish grew legs and turned into humans. And then mutants came out of that somehow."

Also which would be more mortifying

"Sex Ed with Wolverine"

"Sex Ed with Beast"

The school curriculum gives students a choice

Sam: I'm sure Beast is sensitive and thoughtful about the subject. Wolverine probably just pops in a porn tape.

Claire: If I were a mutant parent I'd be a little concerned about my mutant schooling options at this point. Cyclops seems crazy, but he does have the familiar X branding. Wolverine's school appears to be clean, but he takes children to the Space Casino. Are these my only options? Sending my babies to be trained by Alpha Flight!! I hope going to school in Canada doesn't hurt their chances of getting into Mutant University

HAHAHAHAHHA

Mutant University

That sounds like a wicked television show

Sam: Or you could send them to the Avengers Academy. It's run by Giant Man and whatshername, the cat woman.

Claire: Dear god never! A bunch of meta-humans whose names we don't know teaching my mutant kids? Please. I have standards! I'd rather send them to DC verse for an education from the top tier heroes!! I hear Batman has a whole collection of young trainees .... And 65% of them are still alive.

Cyclops: "Why does Wolverine teach sex ed?"
Wolverine: "Because shut up that's why!!!!"

Mandr: Haaahahahaahwell, Scott certainly can't teach it. who's gonna teach it? Rogue?

Rogue slapped her gloved hands on the diagram. "Listen up, kids. I may not be able to have sex, but that means that I think about it CONSTANTLY. Every day in my head is like an orgasmic cornucopia."

Claire: HAHAHAH perfect ... Otherwise Doop can teach it because apparently he is great in bed.

Basically Wolverine should teach all the classes. Each class is only 20 minutes. It's Wolverine Efficiency Style.

Math ... you learn how to use a calculator
Languages ... you learn how to use spellcheck
Science ... you learn how to google "Why is the sky blue"
Ballroom dancing ... you learn waltzing

Now you are ready to graduate and get a degree from The Jean Grey School of Much Greatly Lowered Academic Standards for Gifted Mutant Youngsters.

***

And now you know who Doop is, and you can never un-know this. You're welcome, everyone.
Tags: sam explains comic books
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