Nobody said it was easy (copperbadge) wrote,
So, for those of you who don't read comics, this year featured an event in the Marvel universe known as Avengers vs. X-Men.

See, a giant world-destroying force called the Phoenix was headed for Earth and it intended to possess and inhabit Hope Summers, granddaughter of Scott Summers and Jean Grey (sort of, let's not go there) and make her destroy the world. The Avengers thought she should be imprisoned, the X-Men actively wanted her to absorb the Phoenix, and Wolverine just wanted a beer.

I cannot tell you guys how fucking annoyed I am by the whole concept of the Phoenix. It was the only god damned plot Jean Grey ever got, and they did it to her over and over and over again, and when they stopped being able to do it with her they just shoved her grandkid into her place.

Deep breaths. Anyhow. I am here now to explain to you the funnier parts of AVX. I don't think anyone can explain it fully.

At least, not sober.



WORST BACCALAUREATE EVER:

Claire: I'm working on my bachelors in X-menology!!! HAHAHA

Mandr: When you graduate, Magneto makes you a special member ring out of some handcuffs!

Claire: Um I would be real careful not to wear any metal around Magneto but I think I would fail because ... fillings!! Wait this says Magneto is good now in the comics. EXPLAIN. Is he not still incredibly racist? Who would work with Magneto on purpose!

Mandr: God, Magneto has been "good" so many times I don't even know wtf anymore.

Claire: If Magneto is good, who the fuck are they supposed to be fighting? He wants to kill all the humans!! I AM A HUMAN

I don't want him on the X-Men ... that's rude to Professor X who doesn't want to kill the humans, like me, a human. You know who would never kill all the humans? Wolverine. I'm just saying. Now that's an X-man!

Jean: I only want him on X-men after he and Charles finally get married.

Claire: JEAN! They are not actually gay. Just subtextually gay. I saw the movie and it was pretty gay. But not actually gay. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

I think they did that off-screen for sure. So much embracing and weeping.


DANGEROUSLY COMPLICATED:

Mandr: the avengers fought the xmen all the time.

Claire: Why would they fight - they fight evil things, terrorists, humans that don't like mutants, other mutants that try to kill people, mutant terrorists, etc. Unless - Are the Avengers evil?

Mandr: Oh god, in the comics, Magneto has been a terrorist for years. The Avengers would take him on all the time.

Claire: Okay wait that's fair but what about the rest of the X-Men they fight. Hang on why is Magneto listed on the X-Men side in X-Men vs. Avengers? That's not right he's not an X-Man. He hates X-mens!!!!!!!!!

Mandr: Claire, this is dangerously close to too complicated to tell you.

Claire: I think they are just using the branding - because X-Men have better branding than whatever Magneto calls his group of terrorists. So basically the comic book should say: Avengers vs. Mutants except that would be extremely offensive.

So instead it says X-Men because they are the best "branding" for all the mutants. Like the most popular mutants are X-Men so basically that's the best way to market all the mutants.

Sam: I think traditionally the Avengers and the X-Men don't like each other, but I got that from fanfic, I don't know if it's true.

Anya: Well, lots of hate!sex will cover over any awkwardness, I'm sure.

Claire: They don't like each other???? Is it because Tony bought his powers, like Batman did? Why doesn't he get along with the other rich geniuses like Batman and Professor X???

Sam: I think the X-Men think the Avengers are sloppy undisciplined losers (often true) and the Avengers think the X-Men have a permanent stick up their ass (often true).

Mandr: Actually it's the other way around. And the avengers often have govt sanction, whereas the x-men are usually wanted.

And then there was that time mags and xavier were responsible for the decimation of manhattan and the disappearance of every non mutant superhero in the world. Oops.

Claire: if Prof X blew up Manhattan I AM SURE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! HE GETS NO LOVE SO UNFAIR


IRON MAN VS. MAGNETO:

Claire: Is Cap/Iron Man our new fandom? I can get on board if the X-Men come to visit occasionally - like they all go bowling. In X-Men news: I don't think Iron Man should fight Magneto in this comic book.



He's in a metal suit. So ... I'm just saying. I don't think the writers thought this out properly. They should have Thor fight Magneto because he wears furs, and his hammer is magical from the gods, so probably Magneto can't control it.

ALSO why would X-Men want to fight Avengers ANYWAY? They should all be on the same side. Why would they punch each other? Why would Captain America want to punch Cyclops??? That makes no sense. More like, they'd hang out and be friends.

(Ed. Note: I don't know anyone who doesn't want to punch Cyclops, personally.)

They don't know what they are doing these comic book writers - this is why I don't bother reading comic books.

Mandr: Maybe the Iron Man suit is made of aluminum.

Claire: Magneto can control all the metals not just magnetic metals or else he couldn't do all the stuff Ian McKellen did in the movies like knock down bridges and juggle coins!!!

Didn't Iron Man put a metal chamber in his chest to contain that glowing thing that powers him???? He did NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!!! What if his chest chamber gets ripped out? He needed to read the briefing on Magneto's mutant power before fighting him.

Mandr: TONY DID READ THE BRIEFING! BUT HE WAS ON HIS THIRD SCOTCH!

Claire: "WHAT IS HIS POWER. MUTANT POWER. SOMETHING. SOMETHING WITH CONSTRUCTION? THAT'S OK I'M AN ENGINEER TOO."

Sam: There are some fanfics where Iron Man got squoze by Magneto. Magneto squeezed his armor till he couldn't move it anymore, and he had to be pried out by Captain America. (After which there were sexy times.)

Claire: That is actually fucking hilarious and I laughed out loud at my desk. That is exactly something that would happen to Robert Downey Jr.

Captain America: What the fuck, Tony?
Tony: (tiny squeezed voice) Okay I can explain


THAT'S TONY STARK FOR YOU:

Claire: When does that Iron Man vs Magneto comic book come out that the Tumblrs are always reposting - I WANT TO READ IT AND CRITIQUE THE OBVIOUS PLOT FLAW THAT IS ON THE COVER!! By April I expect them to have an explanation that is not stupid, for this stupidity.

Sam: Ooh look, you can see his armor coming off!

Claire: He's made of metal! he didn't think this through at all.

Sam: Well, that's Tony Stark for you.

Claire: I'm sure if Magneto had a sense of humour, and did not have a deep and profound disgust for the entire human race, they could bond over their love of engineering.

Mandr: Fuck that, they would bond over their love of controlling things and also scotch.

Sam: And they both hate Nazis! But pretty much everyone hates Nazis.

Mandr: I suspect that Tony is somehow sabotaging Magneto. you know, like everything is laced with iocane, but he's built up a tolerance to iocane powder?

Sam: I did wonder if maybe he is being a diversion. And until I saw his armor peeling off, I was like, maybe it's some non-metallic super-strong plastic or something...

Claire: OMG that would be truly hilarious if he showed up to battle in a suit that looked identical to his old one but was actually plastic. Oh snap!

Mandr: I feel at this point I need to ask you Claire if you ever read the essay about Superman killing Lois Lane with his super sperms.

Claire: Yes I have and don't be silly if ejaculating forcefully was one of his super powers he might have noticed that in his own bathroom at the Kent farm ages before running into Lois!


Spider-man Has A Doctor's Note

Sam: I've been researching Avengers Vs. X-Men, btw. They've confirmed that one of the major fight scenes is Iron Man one-on-one with Magneto. Also Cap versus Cyclops, so Captain America better stomp that crazy motherfucker. Also Colossus is going to take on Spider Man, and then later fight The Thing, which seems to indicate Spider Man did not do so well.

Claire: These are weird pairings ... obviously they have to have Magneto fight Iron Man ... because it's so funny! But I guess they will have to handicap Magneto somehow using comic book logic (stupidity). Like somehow Iron Man's suit is entirely made of plastic including all the electromagnetic arc reactor bits inside his heart in his chest that are a plot point of the movie ... Sure! Cap vs Cyclops .. this works but is boring, laser blasts vs a shield and bashing strength ...

Spidey should NOT fight other superheroes. He's your friendly neighbourhood spiderman and best suited to catch criminals (human shaped ones)

Sam: Tony and Magneto have totally had shitfits at each other before. Last time, Tony pointedly made a suit of RUBBER ARMOR to wear around Magneto.

Claire: Um how would the rubber armor protect him from Magneto throwing a car on top of him or an anvil LOL. He doesn't just have to fuck up your suit Tony!

Sam: I don't even know, maybe it's a joke:



The first "versus" comic in Avengers Vs. X-Men came out today. Apparently Tony built himself a set of armor out of carbon nanotubes, whatever those are, thus thwarting Magneto's whole "master of magnetism" schtick. Tony also namedrops Mike Tyson two pages in. Not sure that's the guy you want to mention you used to run with, Stark.


SERIOUSLY THIS HAPPENED

Sam: Iron Man vs. Magneto had a stupid ending. Magneto got distracted and flew away.

Claire: HAHAH That's awesome - I want that in a .gif. I'm done with this. (flies off) I could use that in many email scenarios. DISTRACTED, FLYING OFF NOW

Sam: Being fair, Tony was totally kicking his ass before then. I'm not sure how. It involved a tornado made up of magnets.

Thad: Tony could totally out think Magneto. I mean, Magneto's no dummy, but he's kinda like... You're human. I kill you know.

Sam: In this case it was a question of outspending, apparently.

Claire: It's not a question of anything if he just flew away. Question - why not fly away at the beginning of the fight? This is also a criticism for the Matrix sequels ... the Agents and Neo sort of just show up in the same place .. fight .. and then fly away. That happens in different places with different backgrounds, but it's the same thing. If you could just fly off, why are you kicking and punching in slow motion for ten minutes ... and nothing happens, it's just a draw!

Sam: Most of the "versus" issues were a draw, because the writers are afraid to commit. I will have to go back tonight and see who instigated the fight and why. I think Mags was defending Hope. Or rather, he was defending Cyclops's right to imprison Hope "for her own good".

Claire: Yeah I guess they've always got to be a draw when you fight like this but why not have one character get killed. And then at the end .......... say it was all a dream ... OR ... it happened in a holodeck! That way it "didn't happen", but the fans can say: See ... Ant-Man totally would beat Aquaman.


GUNS?

Sam: Apparently X-Men vs. Avengers is a short battle:



Looks to me like the Avengers got spanked. (WTF X-Man is that even, and what's up with his hips?)

Mandr: WTF. WHICH X-MAN USES GUNS?

Claire: X-Men use guns? X-Men aren't allowed to use guns because it's unfair. They are already really powerful so if they have guns too it's like, not fair. "You can't shoot laser blasts out AND use a machine gun that's just unfair." Maybe that's not an X-Men. I thought they wore spandex not robot suits.

Sam: Dude, I don't know, as far as I'm aware none of them do. But I only know like...five of them.

WAIT

COULD IT BE HE IS WEARING BIONIC PANTS?

Claire: If that's Professor X in bionic pants maybe that explains the thick thighs. They have little gears whirring in there to make his legs move back n' forth

Sam: Would that not be the best episode of Sam Explains Comic Books ever if it's true, though? BEST EVER.

Mandr: I WILL BE SO PISSED.

Claire: If Sam proves me right about the bionic pants THE CAFE WILL CONGRATULATE ME. BECAUSE THE CAFE AND I ARE ONE IN PERFECT HARMONY. It would be the awesomest Sam Explains.

"Sam: Okay the bionic pants came true!"
"Claire: WHAT? OH MY GOD. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?"
"Sam: Let's start with the first part ... THE BIONIC PANTS are also .. MAGICAL. Magical, Claire."
"Claire: OH MY GOD!"

You could totally make up a comic book like this and I wouldn't even know LOL. Pranks are not supposed to be on me. They are supposed to be on other people.

Sam: Someday when you're least expecting it I'm going to spring a made-up comic book on you.


Custody Battles:

Sam: Um PS I am reading Young Avengers and it turns out the X-Men ALREADY FOUGHT the Avengers, over custody of the Young Avengers no less. Who are a bunch of morons in spandex if you ask me.

Jean: And yet, they are STILL smarter than either the X-men or the Avengers.

Claire: Kids are smarter because kids buy the comics.

I thought you had to be a mutant to be in the X-Men ... LOL they wanted the young Avengers deliberately??? Maybe this is Unreliable Narrator.

Young Avengers: "So yah the X-Men TOTALLY tried to get custody of us and take us to their mansion where they have a swimming pool and hidden planes and a Danger Room."
New Recruit: "WOW!!!!"
Young Avenger: "Yah but we totally said NO WAY DUDE! Fuck you X-Men and your school!"
New Recuit: "WOW!!!"

Sam: Well, some of the Young Avengers are mutants. Wiccan and Speed are the twin sons of Wanda, who is Magneto's daughter. Wiccan JUST proved that he is super wicked powerful, so the Avengers are like "We want to keep you in Avengers Mansion and run tests on you" and Magneto is like "Fuck no you're coming with me to help me find my daughter, grandchildren" and the X-Men are like "Fuck you both very much" for no real reason I can grasp. And then they fight!

Jean: Actually, it was because they want revenge on Wanda for the whole, "No more Mutants" fiasco and destroying a huge chunk of the mutant population with her crazy powers.

Claire: Run tests on them? Oh Avengers. That would make any grandpappy mad. I learned from Marvel 1602 that Magneto likes to dump his children with Prof X so perhaps that was the plan.

Magneto: "So ... "
Professor X: "Oh dear not again."
Magneto: "I have a basket of babies for you to raise in your nice safe mutant school for mutants."
Wolverine: "Good. They'll be learning comportment. Which is fucking important!!!"
Magento: "In 18 years I'll be back to recruit them into terrorism. Bye!"

Sam: Well, it wasn't like they were gonna torture him or something. They let his boyfriend come along too!

Claire: LOL child abuse apologist!!!!

Sam: This is so dramatastic. They found Wanda but she's about to get married to Dr. Doom. And everyone else found her too. At the moment Wolverine is hell-bent on killing her really dead.

Claire: Why does Wolverine want to kill Wanda? Did she kill his grandbabies?

Sam: Well, she wiped out mutantkind and killed three of his teammates. Apparently. I'm not fully up on how that went down.

Claire: I'm sure Magneto will save his daughter but that will make things awkward at the annual mutant picnic.

Sam: AHAHAHAHA OMG

Everyone was looking for Wanda and Beast was like "Well one time I found her in Transia but she seemed fine so we had tea and I left" and Hawkeye was like "Hey me too! We had...tea." and Beast was like "Please tell me you didn't fuck Wanda" and then it turned out the Wanda they both met was A ROBOT.

CLINT SLEPT WITH A ROBOT WANDA

Claire: Who made a ro...you know never mind. It is what it is!


CLAIRE SEIZES POWER:

Sam: This Avengers vs. X-Men thing is kind of anticlimactic. I just read the latest issue and it's like...there's a fight over who gets custody of Hope, the super-all-powerful new Phoenix...and then she sets Wolverine on fire and runs away and nobody gets her.

Claire: Back off Avengers! She's a mutant so just back the fuck off and let mutants sort out their own shit!

Sam: Except the mutants aren't sorting out any shit at all! Scott Summers is apparently neurologically incapable of sorting out shit!

Claire: Isn't she Scott's kid? I mean seriously now. They need a talking-to. From me.

Jean: Comics seriously need a talking to from Claire. All comics.

Claire: THANK YOU for appreciating what I can bring to the world of comics. I would be good at writing them and you could draw them up awesomely. Double team!!!!

Sam: Hope is Scott's granddaughter from the future. I'm not sure what the Avengers intend to do with her. I'm only rooting for them because the alternative is worse, also Wolverine is on the Avengers side.

Claire: What is irritating about the Avengers is that 79% of them are not particularly special but they keep sticking their noses in shit like they are in charge. Oh my god boys, just step off for a fucking minute -- if you were mysterical beings who glide through space on a surf board like the Silver Surfer, I'd give you more cred but you're like gnats just buzzing around getting up in other people's grills. RELAX!!!!

You're lucky Wolverine wanted to join your team for that delicious hot cocoa!!!

Sam: The thing is, I don't think they'd give a shit if she wasn't about to inherit the kind of power that could completely destroy the Earth, and if Scott was doing jack about it other than beating her up during sparring practice. Also IDK about silver surfing, but Cap totally kicked Cyclops's ass just now.

Claire: So what she's going to inherit crazy powers that sounds like a situation for X-Men to deal with - I don't see mutants being concerned about the consolidation of global oil companies under Stark Industries or how Hulk basically destroyed half of Rio in one of his two boring movies --- Every week there's a new threat to planet earth - go deal with your own threats, Avengers, is what I'd say - as Senior Lead Mutant in the X-Men. They would give me that title because I would seize it -- seize it like I would seize power!!!!

I am not sure what my mutant power would be but I would definitely start an It Gets Better campaign on the internet for mutants.

IT GETS BETTER

One day the Avengers won't be trying to kidnap you because of "threats" and "reasons" <- my video would say on YouTube.

I'd get a call from Nick Fury: "What are you doing?"
Mutant Claire to Nick: "Hey Nick, let's go for coffee. You are quite handsome. I will seize you! Seize you like I seized mutant power!"

Sam: Lol but that's the point- the x-men aren't dealing with it. They're ignoring the problem. They need you to depose Cyclops, clearly.

Claire: They're ignoring the "problem" according to the Avengers - well sorry boys, maybe it's not a problem. Perspective is everything!!! Cyclops may be a jerk but what about the others? Who is even left on the X-men now. What about Storm & Kitty & Emma Frost. Do they just sit around eating bon bons all day?

I know how these mash-ups work. They have to make everything "even" eventually, so if it's lopsided now with Cyclops being a jerk maybe Captain America will run over a nun in his car or something. If I deposed Cyclops it would be very kindly, as is my way.

"Hey Scott," I would say nicely. "Looks like you have pretty much done all the things you wanted with your life. Including setting up this random rival school. Blasting robots with your eyeballs. Snarking with Wolverine. And mourning the many times that Jean died and so forth."

"That's true," Cyclops would say.

"I'm going to lead the X-Men now and be in charge how does that sound? I bet it sounds good," I would say.

"It does!" Cyclops would respond.

"Excellent -- now what is Professor X's Skype handle because I need him to give me access to all the secret shit you probably didn't find in the mansion when you kicked him out" <-- I would say this kindly not to hurt his feelings.

Sam: I think Storm's still an X-man. Rogue's all up at the Jean Grey school so I think she sides with the Avengers. Wolverine thinks Scott is crazy and mishandling things too. Someone says "Wow, Scott is off his rocker" and Wolverine's all "I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS FOR HOW LONG NOW"

Claire: LOL why hasn't Magneto taken over, you'd think he'd SEIZE POWER. Surely he or some other mutant will SEIZE POWER. Seizing power is the sort of thing that people in capes & tights like to do!!!

Sam: I wish he would. He keeps telling Scott to calm the fuck down and Scott keeps being all "Do you hear something? I think I hear something. Nope, maybe not."

Claire: Wow times are hard if Magneto is telling people to chill out. That's not right. He's not supposed to be any voice of reason whatsoever. Shouldn't his face be Twelve on the crazy o'clock?

Sam: Magneto has developed a habit lately of being the sensible, rational one.

Claire: I don't watch X-Men for sensible rational people. I could watch the Good Wife for that.

Sam: Well, sensible and rational by x-men standards.

Claire: I hope at least he is still species-ist against the Avengers. If Magneto & his cronies start accepting humans, I will be disappointed. Somebody has to be an extremist!!!! Without extremists, how will television news know who is good and who is bad?

Sam: Nah, Scott's the extremist now.



Claire: Scott wants to protect his grandbaby, that is good. Scott is annoyed that the Avengers came after them, that's also good. Messiah talk ... Now .. that seems bad! Storm seems concerned - that's very bad!!!! She seems smart and sensible.

"You must choose your next action carefully, Scott. Are you sure this is the fight we want?" <--- What the fuck is that hippie nonsense???? Clearly he's been possessed by Prof X.

Sam: He believes Hope is the messiah who will save Mutantkind by becoming the Phoenix. How he thinks the world-destroying, uncontrollable Phoenix is going to save Mutantkind is a secret he has yet to share with the class.

Claire: Look at all the cool mutants just standing around in the background

- A dude with Spock ears
- Some happy lady made out of ... specks of .. coal?
- A flying lady made out of fire
- Dude made out of metal
- Lady with an eyepatch

That is one wicked crew -- so frustrating that I am not leading this rag tag bag of awesome folks to incredible victory against some humans and meta-humans. And one hot god, obviously (Thor!)

Sam: I don't know who most of them are, but the dude with Spock ears is Namor, the sub-mariner. Who isn't really a mutant so I'm perplexed by what he's doing there 'cause usually he's all "Fuck all y'all surface-dwellers, Namor rules the sea!" He's been trying to get into Emma's pants for a while, probably that's why he's there.

Claire: Aaawwww charming!!!! LOL Marvel has their own Aquaman. HA HA HA HA. Precious. He can teach swimming at the school. Wolverine hates swimming he always sinks to the bottom :-(

Sam: Namor is great. As Junie says, "I love him. He gives zero fucks."

Claire: I wish to know who the happy coal lady is and who the little alien was. It's good to have some strange mutants in there for diversity. Not everything is "blasting people with shit" powers.

Sam: According to the handy reference guide in the front of the comic, the woman made of specks is Sunspot, the one with the eyepatch is Domino, and the one on fire is Magma. Madison Jeffries, aka Box from Alpha Flight, is apparently also fighting for the X-Men. He's a regular X-Man now, he's the one fucking the robot.

Claire: JESUS CHRIST LOL. ALPHA FLIGHT.

Sunspot is my new favourite she looks cool and I like that she's made out of specks of shit, that's interesting.

Sam: ...apparently Sunspot is a dude.


Wolverine: Tough To Beat, Easy To Con

Sam: You guys remember the link I sent where Wolverine found a polar bear in the antarctic?



(Ed. Note: Yeah you heard me. THE ANTARCTIC.)

Well, the REST OF THAT STORY IS, then he finds a beer. A random beer. And then another. And he FOLLOWS THE TRAIL OF BEER to where Hope is. And then this.



Mandr: I saw the beer trail! who the hell is that? alpha flight?

Claire: Wait did he skin the bear and he's wearing the bear like a tauntaun? Or is the bear talking??? I thought Wolverine was immortal, why does he need to wear a polar bear? He can't be killed by cold. Firstly they are endangered. Secondly I'm sure if they magically live in Antarctica they are EXTRA endangered.

Did the Antarctica people leave a beer trail to deliberately lure Wolverine? Is that how you get Wolverine to come to you? Is this why Wolverine runs a school? Somebody left a beer trail to the door?

Sam: Wolverine can't be killed by cold but he can be frozen solid so yes, wearing the bear like a tauntaun.

Claire: Well I hope there's a donation for the WWF at the back of that comic book because you should really only kill polar bears if they come into your house and attack you, or attack you on the street. I'm scared of polar bears and monkeys! Polar bears are really aggressive.

Sam: The girl there is Hope, the one all the heroes are fighting over, trying to recruit him to her side. And yes. She left a trail of beer specifically for him, leading back to the aircraft she stole.

Mandr: I wish I could find the scans of astonishing x men where wolverine's memory was replaced, and then he's knocked back into remembering who he was by a can of beer to the head.

Claire: A can of beer to the head is a legitimate medical technique for dealing with Wolverine!!!! Prof X always has cocoa because schools for mutants go through a lot of comforting cups of cocoa what with all the traumatic & woobie back stories assigned to all the characters.

Mandr:


Claire: OMG LOL HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. AND HE IS SO CUTE.

Mandr:



Claire: I love that a telepath messed up his brains but you can fix Wolverine by hitting him with a beer can YAY!


ON THE MOON:

Sam:


Claire: HAHAHAHHAAH he likes redheads

Sam: It's only a little creepy that she's the granddaughter of the woman he loved...

Claire: I thought this girl was the redhead Alpha Flight baby??

Sam: No, this is Hope, granddaughter of Scott and Jean from the future. She's the one the Phoenix is coming for!

OH MY GOD THEY WENT TO THE MOON.

THE AVENGERS FOUND THEM AND SO DID THE X-MEN AND NOW THEY ARE FIGHTING ON THE MOON.

Claire: Well at least they are fighting on the moon out of the way of normal folks (except moon men). Why is Wolverine the soul of rationality here? That can't be right. This fact alone makes me think they need to REBOOT THIS COMIC BOOK. Bring Jean Grey back properly!

Sam: I think it's because he saw the last Phoenix take Jean and didn't have the emotional complication of actually being the one who was banging her at the time? He took Hope to the moon and then totally told the Avengers she was there. And Emma Frost was spying on Cap which is how the X-Men knew too. BTW, the X-Men got SPANKED by the Avengers in battle.

Also, when Spider-man meets Colossus, he says "Tall dark and metallic. I AM a lucky boy."

Spider-man: still the gayest.

Claire: I'm quite confident that the Avengers have to spank X-Men quite a lot in the comic books. The X-Men are way too powerful characters and they have to even things out for the readers! Basically just Emma Frost or Magneto could kill them all without help. Maybe even Storm too she seems really powerful.

I have absolutely no clue what Gambit's power is now that I am trying to think of X-Men with powers. He wears a trenchcoat like John Constantine!!!

Sam: He can charge things with kinetic energy so they blow up on impact. He uh. May have done that to Cap's armor while Cap was in it. And yet Cap still kicked his ass.

Claire: Well I would hope that Captain America would be able to handle Gambit, a C-list X-man OMG SERIOUSLY. And Jubilee, does she make fireworks and float???? Well not all mutants can be militarily useful.


This School Sucks:

Claire: I thought half the XMen WERE Avengers now .. who wrote this boring book so we can avoid him??? Note I assume it was a man. I was expecting awesome battles and the so on. THE COVER LOOKED GOOD WITH THE MAGS AND IRON MAN. How did that battle even end!!! WHO DIED!!

Mandr: it's true! I tried to get excited, and then i forgot and went off to eat donuts.

Sam: That was part of the tension -- do you side with the X-Men or the Avengers if you're an Avenger who is a mutant?

Wolverine said FUCK ALL YALL and went to the moon.

Claire: Wolverine: Kids, I'm back from my rocketship mission.
Students: YAY
Wolverine: ... Get out your cahiers because I brought you a Show and Tell. A polar bear corpse! (dumps on table)
Students: (screaming in horror)
Wolverine: ... Note it's .. claws .. and ... teeth and ... fur .. It's ... probably a mammal?
Students: (screaming in horror)
Wolverine: SHUT UP! I know it smells. Open a fucking X-window then. Fuck.

Sam: In this last issue, "Kid Gladiator", one of the students, gets kidnapped to space by his bodyguard who wants to escape the whole "Phoenix is going to destroy the Earth" thing. Apparently Kid Gladiator is not from around here. He's all FUCK THIS and returns to earth via escape pod.

I have to say if a giant galaxy-destroying force was headed towards Earth and Hope "Not mentally stable, kind of a narcissist" Summers was all that stood between me and it, I'd take the spaceship.

Claire: But to be fair, this sort of thing happens every week in comic book world. Literally every week! I wonder if people get "end of days" fatigue.

"Yeah yeah .. destroy the Earth .. just like all the threats before .. yeah yeah I'm sure some super hero will fix it, dying in the process and then coming back to life, as usual."

Sam: Ultimates is particularly bad for that. Every other fucking week something gets nuked.

Claire: Bad for the city, good for the mutant population. So many invisible babies with tails being born these days .... HA HA HAHA



Scott Summers, Why So Crazy:

Sam: There's a demand for this particular kind of fight -- I mean, god knows, kids have been arguing about whether Supes or Bats would win in a fight for decades. They were brilliant about marketing it. Buttons reading "I stand with the Avengers" and "I stand with the X-Men" gets people invested in a side, that kind of thing.

I do feel Marvel kind of wimped out -- I know they had to please their whole fanbase, but very few real "wins" have resulted.

Claire: Um you might have noticed that any time any media outfit pits their characters against each other nobody "wins". That's not profitable. Even Aliens vs. Predator ... Jason vs Freddy had to make concessions. This would go down if Dukes of Hazzard fought C.H.I.P.S.

Mandr: I kind of want to see that now.

Sam: Iron Man v. Magneto, Iron Man won but only because Magneto GOT DISTRACTED AND WANDERED OFF.

Claire: Hmm that's why he didn't kill all the humans in the movie either he got distracted. Maybe he needs to focus on his focus.

Sam: In the latest one, Rogue destroyed Iron Man, but it didn't matter 'cause Tony wasn't inside it, he was operating it remotely.

Claire: I can't believe a character like Rogue is being put up there against them.

Jean: People love Rogue, y'all. She's a Southern belle woobie with boobies.

Claire: Where are all the total badasses like Storm, Wolverine, Frost the various telepaths evil & good & whatnot --- offensive powers are necessary?

Sam: Tony infected Emma Frost with nanites that shock her every time she tries to telepath. That was kind of funny. Wolverine's fighting on the Avenger side, mostly, because he knows Scott Summers is the crazy!

Claire: Cyclops never struck me as super powerful --- why do people let him be in charge? "We need conflict," said a Marvel writer. "Let the character everybody hates be the leader."

His colleague frowned, "But --- in real life..."

"Stop right there with your real life nonsense!"

Sam: Hasn't he been leader for like decades? Like, sub-leader under Charles. Because he's leaderlike, or something.

Jean: Apparently Cyc has 'leadership skills' and 'people follow his orders'. I think the rankings go from Prof- Storm- THEN Cyc but somehow he's wrested control from both of them. Personally, I'd follow Storm... she's awesome.

Claire: Storms seems ok - Halle Berry can be pretty bad ass. I like her power too. Weather is a good one. In the movies I thought Jean Grey was the #1, I guess she's not because she's dead? I think Jean Grey should be the leader.

Sam: I suspect Cyclops declared himself leader, which is just one more strike in the "Cyke is a crazyperson" column.

Claire: I don't know - when Professor X was there he was the leader, like in the movies and cartoons and such -- so Cyclops could just do what he said. I don't know why if everybody hates Cyclops he still gets to be leader.

Sam: The remaining X-Men seem to be a bit apathetic? A lot of the cooler, less-spineless ones ran off and don't live on Utopia. Storm, Rogue, Gambit, Beast...

Claire: I thought Beast and Wolverine taught improbably educational classes together. Boy I really feel for the graduating classes of 2010 to 2016 or however long this school is going to remain open.

Sam: Yeah -- but that's the point, they wanted to teach kids instead of torment them into becoming baby soldiers, so they left Utopia and are living across the country in New York!

Claire: I don't know what Utopia is but the last time I saw an X-Men movie they were already living in the country in New York, that was the point of the school, getting quietly trained to be mutants in upstate New York HAHAHAHAHA.

Sam: Utopia is the island in the San Francisco bay where Cyclops and his MILITANT CULT choose to live in isolation from humanity.

Claire: Calling it Utopia is VERY CULT LIKE HAHAHHA. Well maybe when Jean Grey comes back she will sort him out. She killed him in the movie -- fried him all up!!!!

Sam: I don't think she is! She's in a coma on Utopia. For all we know Scott's keeping her under so he and Emma can keep banging.

Claire: Um what's with mutants and their cults btw -- didn't Genosha the Other Mutant Island have a cult, and didn't Magneto have an ASTEROID base of terrorists, as explained in another Sam Explains Comic Books ...



THOR BEATS EVERYONE:

Claire: Wait where are all the mutants who teleport and then stab you??? Like Alan Cumming!!! I feel like there are a lot of mutant powers that I've forgotten but were in the movies. Also the girl who walks through walls, so not very useful -- well she could escape you, that would be useful.

Sam: Kitty Pryde! She's the one who figured out there was no Tony in the Iron Man armor, because she walked through him.

Claire: Oh so she does have a useful skill. In these team things everybody gets to "participate" HAHAH. The only Avenger I think is a serious threat is Thor .. because .. I can't figure out what beats magic. However, his "magic" is mostly smashing things (not like casting spells). In the Thor movie beating him up seemed to work, also, just sending him back to his magic castle.

Also, Thor is not very bright as he keeps getting tricked so many times. But still, how would you stop Thor if he was running at you? I'd have to think about that one. Hulk I would just make the telepaths tell him to stop being angry. Occam's Razor!!!! HAHAHAHHA.

"You want me to kill him boss?"

"No just tell him he's curled up on the sofa with a nice book and some hot cocoa"



THE WELCOME RETURN OF PROFESSOR X:

Sam: Hey, Xavier finally showed up in X-Men again! He's yelling at Scott for being a douche. Sorry, Xavier, he's always been a douche.

Claire: He's probably pissed about Scott's brand management skills. He leaves the X brand to Cyclops and look what happens. "I give you one of the most famous logos in the world and you turn it into a cult!?"

Sam: Especially since Scott is now one of the four dictators of Earth, and being a superdick about it.

Claire: The Earth now has dictators??? Marvel, just reboot this whole planet please

Sam: Essentially instead of one person absorbing the phoenix force, FIVE did, and decided that qualified them to rule Earth. The Avengers managed to take down one of the five and the other four absorbed that one's Phoenix power.

Claire: Wow I think that's all gotten out of control. Well this is why telepaths are the best, they are the most powerful but then they get absorbed ... and become dictators...?? Is Professor X de-powered & de-aged like Magneto? I don't understand why he would let other telepaths do these terrible things if he's supposed to be so powerful.

"You went to my mutant school to learn cooperation and tolerance and this is what happens!?"

Mandr: Charles: obviously you would have benefited from some of Logan's comportment classes.

Sam: Xavier's exact words:

Xavier: THIS STOPS NOW, SCOTT! This is madness and this is as far as you go! (btw this whole time he's appearing to Scott as a ghostly vision so I don't know where the fuck he really is)
Scott: It's not your call, Charles.
Xavier: All that I taught you, all that I tried to instill in you as an X-Man...this is a punishing disappointment! Scott, I'm saying this to you as clearly as I can...stop this or I will stop YOU.

DADDY'S PUTTIN THE HAMMER DOWN SON

Claire: oh wow when your dad is "disappointed" that is the worst!!!! That is emotionally manipulative of ghost Prof X .. lol

Sam: Scott gets all emotionally manipulative too like "If you love me you'll side with me" but XAVIER IS HAVING NONE OF THAT

Claire: Who loves Cyclops? I keep hearing that everyone hates Cyclops. We love Wolverine. Let's get that straight mmmkay?

Sam: Apparently Xavier loves Cyclops. God knows why.



The Death Of Xavier:

Mandr: The death of Xavier.

I THINK WE SHOULD START A POOL TO SEE WHEN HE'LL BE BACK.

Claire: Superman didn't stay dead long but then he has his own book. I bet they keep Professor X dead for a long time. That sucks because he's interesting. They are sticking us with a bunch of "superheroes" whose names I don't know and whose powers are shitty. Antman? Seriously Marvel, I have limited attention for your nonsense and your greed! Also great going that Cyclops killed Professor X -- That sounds dignified!

Again with the comic books and the excuses they make so that the obviously less-powered character can fight the over-powered characters. Professor X should have just thought "DIE" at Cyclops and that would have ended the whole thing .. in logic land!

I don't care how much comic book magical power-up energy crystals Cyclops got from .. alien .. Jean Grey ... powerbox .. whatever thing. I mean it's Cyclops! It would have been more awesome if Wolverine killed Professor X because they they could have a panel with those claw sticking out of him. That would have been an interesting drawing.

Sam: Technically now Cyclops is also a telepath, as he killed Emma and absorbed her power. I don't know where Wolverine fucked off to. He hasn't been in "wolverine and the X-Men" in two months.

Claire: LOL he is also Emma Frost

Sam: He's all the Phoenix Five now -- so Emma Frost, Namor, Colossus, and that other character I don't know the name of whom nobody cares about.

Claire: LOL it makes me sad they can't kill CYCLOPS, since they made the character totally hateable just end him.

Sam: Apparently they're going to bring in another cyclops to kill cyclops?

Claire: Maybe he fights himself in a cave like Luke fought himself in Empire Strikes Back!

Sam: It looks like the guy on the right is Phoenixclops and the guy on the left is the old-school 60's Cyclops we were promised a few months ago.

Claire: That would be super cool if 60s Cyclops killed old Cyclops. "OMG ... I grew up and became a dick and I murdered Professor X and had sex with Emma Frost? I regret only TWO of those things!"

Sam: Having 60s Cyclops kill Phoenixclops would lay out a lot of groundwork for the character, yeah. Lots of brooding potential.



Even More Death Of Xavier:

Jenny: Avengers vs X-Men spoilers: Marvel announced that in the issue of Avengers VS X-Men #11, on sale today, Professor Charles Xavier (Professor X) makes the ultimate sacrifice standing up to the final two members of the all-powerful Phoenix Five. According to the press release “In the move that shocked and saddened comic book fans worldwide, beloved super hero Professor Charles Xavier meets his demise today in Avengers VS. X-Men #11.

Claire: Well they weren't using him in the comic book so whatever .. LOL

"... also may damn both the Avengers and the X-Men!”

That bit made me laugh out loud. I hope those are his last words too. "Damn both the Avengers and the X-Men!" That's how you go out in style when you are officially "sick of this superhero shit".

Sam: I've kind of stopped reading AVX because I am so confused by it at this point. I'm waiting for someone to tell me what order to read them in.

Claire: Now you know what happens at the end so why read it?

Sam: What's interesting is that a) that's not even the spoiler that's been going round, because the NEW YORK TIMES in the HEADLINE OF AN ARTICLE spoiled a different spoiler and b) Like we've seen him in the comics in the last FIVE YEARS anywhere anyway?

Relevant to this spoiler, Bleeding Cool has the many deaths of X.

Jenny: Ahahaha. Always a bridal death carry, X-men. Always.

Claire: WOW people sure like to cradle his body!!! My favourite was "In Mercy's name cease fir---" then he gets blown away

HAHAH what is this. Way to go Marvel - why take such an awesome character out of play? Wow, Cyclops and Magneto are in a battle to see who can cradle Professor X's dying body the mostest eh?

Sam: Well, clearly he's not going to stay dead. Probably anyway.

There's a new Captain America cover out where he's holding the hand of a small, ill-dressed child; speculation amongst fandom is that it's the reborn Professor X.

(Ed. Note: Not Professor X. Some random kid. I was sad.)

Claire: Is ill-dressed something that Professor X is known for? You guys teach me so much.

Sam: No, but the kid has a shit-ton of hair, people suspect it's overcompensation. Viz:



Jenny: He also appears to be an extra from Dungeons and Dragons. Unless they're trick or treating.

Claire: Wow that's really weird, nothing about that says Professor X to me! Why X and not like, Bucky as a child or something. Captain America isn't even an X Man. Don't get it.

Sam: It seems like people are talking about how this was released suspiciously close to the Death Of Charles Xavier press release. And lately with Avengers and X-Men tied up in this battle, there's a certain poetry in a non-Mutant being the one to find/revive/whatnot Xavier.

Claire: If true, that's not poetry that's moneymaking by putting an Xmen story in another book hahahaha

Sam: That's just SOP these days; if you have an "event" in comics you cross it into as many books as possible to make the poor sods buy, I don't know, X-FACTOR or something just to get the extra details of the event. It's pretty mercenary, but it's not unusual for either DC or Marvel.

I've been thinking of doing a post about a few simple steps that the big companies could be doing to encourage new readers, like re-adding dates to the covers and releasing on regular schedules (at this point most comic lines in Marvel release a new issue...when they feel like it?), but it makes me weary thinking about it.

Claire: I doubt they are going to make a big hullaballoo about killing him and then bring him back as a kid immediately -- very weird ...Wow the fan fiction writers are going to go crazy with this eh. Lots of sad Magneto stories hahahahahah!

Thad: Oh god, comics, you used to be so good to me, but now you're not! The drawing of that CA cover! Cap looks off-model to me!

Okay, I know the stuff I used to read would look a tad old style these days, but... every issue I could tell what a character would look like! These days, you have to give them a distinctive uniform, or the readers won't know who they're looking at!


The End?

Claire: They killed Professor X dead and I think Jean Grey exploded.

Sam: Yeah, and Cyclops totally torched Emma Frost btw. Did I share that with the class?

That was a horrifying scene. They're eating dinner, but it's not real dinner, it's like a psychic illusion? Emma feeds him steak with human blood as a sauce. And he's like "Hm. It's good."

Claire: That is really weird. I have spoken before of how you have to watch the telepaths they are too powerful.

I don't understand this comic at all, everything you tell me that happens seems stupid and this is the stupidest yet. Why would anybody read this A v X ???

Sam: Being fair, I'm giving you the funniest/stupidest par -- well, no, the whole thing is actually pretty ridiculous.

Jean: I wonder if Cyclops just has that same stupid facial expression all the time.



Sam: It's hard to make faces when half your face is covered by a large visor of doom, I suppose.


OH NO NOT YET

Sam: We have, AT LAST, reached the climax of Avengers vs. X-Men. The one where the young Hope was supposed to defeat the Phoenix or maybe Wanda the Scarlet Witch was, but apparently Tony's been working on the problem for a while and...well....I guess the Iron Man armor is going to absorb both their powers?

It's like Marvel just can't bear to let a woman win a fight.

On the other hand, Tony finally gets to give Cyclops the severe beating he's been BEGGING for.

Claire: I thought Avengers vs X-Men already ended

You said Magneto flew away and the fight was a draw.

Sam: LOL that was ONE FIGHT. There are twelve issues of the AVX comic, along with six issues of the "versus" special editions that are dedicated to nothing but fighting. In the latest one, Black Panther and Storm beat the shit out of each other and got a divorce.

Jenny: Wait, if Jean comes back as the dark phoenix, how can the Avengers fight that shit? She destroyed a whole solar system. A frisbee shield and boomerhammer seem a little underpowered compared to that.

Sam: I don't think the Avengers are the ones who need to worry, Jenny. I think Jean's probably going to be pissed at the X-Men for effing it all up.

Also, I'm 100% sure she will not be okay with Scott boning Emma.

Claire: It should be an X-Mens storyline so they will solve it, and the next global crisis can go to the Avengers or Spider-man. I feel like they trade off on crisises!

Scott: "But baby you were in a coma!"
Jean: "oh no you did'nnit!!!" Finger snap - girl power!!!!


BABIES!

Sam:


Claire: They are all screaming in distress!

Sam: Except for Iceman, who I think is blowing a raspberry...

Claire: Whoever the one is in the front row with the black and gold outfit and the GIANT wide open mouth is screaming the best.

Sam: That's Natasha!

Claire: Chibi artist doesn't know how to do chibi art because her hair isn't red! Beast is keeping his shit together, he looks like a man who is concentrating on running the fuck away. No idea who the person is under Storm's feet but I like the one pupil bigger than the other...I also like the worry lines of distress on the face of the baby ... with wings ... ? Thor also has a funny pupil situation LOL


ROGUE!

Sam: I just read a comic post-AVX where Rogue dumped Magneto. I'm not sure I can even provide context for that.

Claire: Robbing da cradle haha

Mandr: They were a couple in the savage land. I remember she tried to take his powers away by kissing him at illyana's funeral, and he was all, "oh that doesn't work now, but thanks for the kiss, lol"

Sam: He shows up randomly in the middle of her trying to rescue some people and is like "I have a proposal for you" and gets down on one knee and she freaks out and he's like OH WAIT HELL NO NOT LIKE THAT.

And then he's like "I really want to be with you, I can overlook your affection for filthy humans, please let me be with you" and she seriously gives him the Let's Just Be Friends speech.

That's right. Avengers vs. X-Men ends with a Let's Be Friends speech.
Tags: sam explains comic books
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